This is interesting. Pretty sure that I wrote a
blog like this before. But here goes nothing.
I wish that I was still with Dallin. I wish that he would be on the same page as me or that maybe I wasn't so pushy. This is what I keep thinking. That if I had just let things slide that Dallin and I would still be together. Instead of me being alone and writing this blog we would be sitting on the couch and cuddling talking about how much fun we had at the bonfire and how crazy my roommates are. We would talk about how my interview went and he would tell me that he knew I would do amazing because I am amazing. He would make me feel so special and loved. I love him. I miss him.
I stinks when the person you love isn't in the same place in life that you are. Looking back I think that I always knew that I was going to be ready for more, for even marriage in the future and he wouldn't be. It stinks because I blinded myself or I let myself be blinded. The saying that love is blind really is true. I think back on our relationship and how I was never a priority in his life and how I just let that slide and slide. How I let it slide that we could only talk when he had nothing going on, how he only thought about contacting me when he was bored. I let myself be blind to think that I could be ok with that. Maybe some girls can and maybe Dallin will one day find a girl who can, but I can't. I can't do that. I need to be with somebody who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I need to be with a person who wants a future with me.
My relationship with Dallin has been very good for me though because I have learned so much. I have learned that there are guys out there who are amazing, Dallin was amazing. He had a great sense of humor and could make me laugh even on my bad days. Dallin always saw and pointed out my strengths he helped me see that I am an amazing person and that I can do great things. I learned that there really are guys who are strong in the Gospel and who honor their priesthood. I learned that there are people out there who really like me for me. One of the best things about Dallin is that I always felt comfortable with who I am. I loved that I could be so open with Dallin. I really could tell him my thoughts and feelings and he accepted me with them. Yet I always felt that I could improve. I didn't feel that I needed to do this improvement because I needed to or because Dallin judged me but that I wanted to. I felt that the changes that I was making was drawing me closer to God. Dallin just helped me want to become a better person.
Of course I hope that someday I find that person that wants to have a future with me as much as I want to have a future with them. Right now I wish that was Dallin. I wish he would change his mind and see that we could have a wonderful future together. But I can't blame him for not being ready, I definitely was not ready when Brock and I were engaged. I only hope that I don't have to deal with another heartbreak because I don't know how many more times my heart can break. With this break-up I feel more optimistic about the future. I know that someday I will find that person that I can have a family with. I am not as bitter as I was when I broke up with Brock. I am still hurt and I still miss Dallin daily. I still wish that things will work out between us. Sometimes I wonder if God had me go through this experience so that I would realize that I am now ready for marriage. I am ready to start my future whatever that entails. Well I say to that "Yes God I did learn the right lesson. I am ready for my future to begin. Just don't make me wait too much longer."
