Trust

Lately I have been dwelling in the past and in what could have been. Really this isn't a good thing because it leads me to almost doubt my decisions. While sometimes it is good to doubt some decisions, I know that these ones were right and correct.

I can't stop thinking though.

Sometimes it is almost easier to live in the past and what you wish were now instead of the present. I like day dreaming and thinking of what would be wonderful. Right now I would be watching a movie and cuddling. I would be enveloped in love, and warmth, and peace. I would know that everything is perfect and that I couldn't be more happier. Just a simple look and phrase would warm my heart. Everything that I have been taught to wish for my whole life would no longer be a wish but a reality. Never again would I have to be alone. I would always have that person who knows me best with me. Everything is perfect and I feel for a split second like my life is perfect.

I can't turn back on my decisions and that is why thinking about the "what could have been" is dangerous. It makes me forget why I chose what I did and how I felt that I needed to make those choices. Life is never perfect and things don't turn out the way we think they should. We don't know all.

Christmas is just around the corner and this year I think that I see it more geared toward Christ then I have ever before. I am so thankful for our Heavenly Father and for Jesus Christ. I know that even though I now don't know where my life is going or what is in store for me they do. As long as I keep my trust in them I can never be lead astray. Every time I start to think of the "what if" I just need to remember that this is the right path and that I shouldn't doubt the promptings that I had.

They won't lead me astray.

B Positive

Today I gave blood again but this time it actually went well. The reason why I think it is always a celebration when I give blood is because I hate needles. Really I do. Needles just give me the heeby jeebies. Here are some stories to convey this:

When I was younger and I had to have a cavity filled or worked on I would not let them give me a shot. I would rather suffer through the pain than have to get a shot.

When I had braces I had to get two teeth pulled. Well I had told myself that if I didn't look at the needle that everything would go by easier. So right as I went to turn my head and close my eyes I see part of the needle. Not the metal part but the part that holds the liquids. Well I start to freak out. I start telling the doctor and my momthat I can't do this, that I don't want to do this. At this time they had put the numbing gel on my mouth so everything I said was very mumbly. They finally calmed me down and the doctor was able to give me the shots. I still say that the worst part of getting teeth pulled are the shots.

I can watch medical shows and I can watch them cut people open but once they whip out a needle I cringe and have to look away.

So why do I give blood? Because I can save three people's lives.

My first semester up at college when they would have the blood drive I would walk by the signs that tell you when it is and to sign up. On those banners it would say you can save three people's lives. Well I would tell myself that while that is great my fear of needles is much to great. Every time I would walk past those banners I would feel so guilty. Someone could have died because I was to selfish to give my blood. That first semester I never did cave in though.

My second semester the blood drive came around again and walking by those banners was just to much. I had one of my roommates, who is a very dear friend of many years, come and donate blood with me. That whole day was torture. Just thinking of a needle getting stuck in my arm and then staying there for a long period of time was just awful. So my friend and I went and I do have to say that the waiting is probably one of the worst parts of giving blood because you are so close so the whole time you are thinking needles, needles, needles. So it comes to my turn and I give them my information and they check my heart rate and blood pressure. Then they prick your finger to make sure that you have enough iron in your blood. Well I didn't. So that whole day I was working myself up for nothing. I was pretty upset because I had finally got myself ready for the needles and now I couldn't save anybody. Right then I had promised myself that I was going to do all that I could to give blood the next time.

My third semester roles around and I see that the blood drive is coming up. I make sure that I am eating meat and that I am eating enough that I will have iron in my blood. So I go with my dear friend again and we doing the waiting and the blood pressure and the heart rate. They then prick my finger and I passed! I had enough iron in my blood to give blood. I was very happy but then I realized that now comes the needles. So I get led to a chair and sit down and they get everything ready. Since this was my first time my friend said she would hold my hand while the put the needle in me. Well the do the initial prick and it really hurt. Then they pull the needle out and prick me again. Then the medical person says that she is going to try one more time. Well none of those times work. So I am sitting there thinking I don't know if I can do this. They are using to many needles. Well the medical person tells me that she has to go get someone higher up to see what they can do. That person comes and tells me they will have to use the other arm. So they get my other arm prepped and everything goes well that time. What an awful experience! Me, person who hates needles, had to get jabbed 4 times. Ugh!

Fourth semester. New roommates come with me for there first time. Everything is going well. I have enough iron and they are able to hit the vessel on the first try. Then towards the end my blood flow is slowing down so a medical person comes over and starts twisting my needle with out telling me. I ask them what is wrong and he says that my vessel might be collapsing. Yikes! So he is twisting my needle and it hurts. Every time the needle moves it hurts. But that was the only complication.

Finally today. I went and waited and had my heart rate, blood pressure, and iron level checked. Everything is ok. The medical person hits my vessel on the first try and my vessel doesn't collapse. It was the best experience yet.

I am very grateful that I can help people out and that I can

give blood. I am grateful that just because I have had poopy experiences that I can still go back.

If you can give blood do it. You can save THREE people.

The Beginning

So I have decided to start a blog. Why? Well pretty much it is because I am bored. I literally don't do things during the day. I am a bum and I can admit it. I should do things but I don't.

This is going to be about me. ALL of me. My craziness and my calmness, even though sometimes when I am extremely calm it freaks people out. I am kind of hoping that this blog will bring back the fun side of me. That I will do things to write on this blog. I have been a little serious for to long and I don't like it. Yes being serious is great but when you don't let your hair down now and then it gets a bit too much.

Pretty much I think that this blog is just for me. I am not writing it to entertain people, though if anyone does find it funny or entertaining that is a plus. I am writing it to discover me again. To find out who I really am. I have been through a lot and it has changed me and now I just want to know me again.

So here I go....